


I confess I messed up.

by adamparr1sh



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Dead Gansey, Future Fic, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Ronan Swears, Swearing, blue is also mentioned, mentions of noah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 07:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5699653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamparr1sh/pseuds/adamparr1sh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I'm sorry, I know it's no use, but I am. Honestly I don't know what to tell you. I had to leave, to follow my future. I needed to try and move on.” He realized he had raised his voice too. “I still had no money, I still had to go to university, I still had to make something worth out of my useless self. What was I supposed to do?” </p>
<p>future fic set 3 years after the events of trk in which I guess gansey will die, though I still try to ignore it :D Adam visits Gansey's grave but he sees another ghost from his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I confess I messed up.

The sun was nowhere to be seen, the sky completely covered by the gray clouds. It was a strangely cold day in March and the rain was lightly starting to pour down.  
Adam was freezing, his coat wasn't warm enough for this kind of weather, but although money weren't his biggest concert anymore, he still felt uncomfortable buying what he already owned.   
Class had finished at 4,00 p.m. so in about an hour he would have been in Henrietta. Just thinking about his hometown shoot a chill to his spine. God, he had hated that place and when he left he'd felt a weight going off of his shoulders, but a still a part of him missed his friends everyday and their memories together hurt so bad, too bad.  
He got to his shitty car, a little less shitty than the one he used in high school, but still not like the ones his old classmates had. At least, he thought, this one was provided with an heating system, that Adam turned on as soon as he sat down.   
He started to drive with some music on, just to shut his thoughts. He knew the road perfectly, even if he hadn't been in Henrietta in a long time and his visits were less frequent every year.   
He pulled over at 5.11 p.m. and he carefully parked his car, far away from the only other vehicle there.  
The cemetery was just as he remembered: sad, grim and fucking creepy.   
He had memorized the path to Gansey's grave the moment they buried him almost three years ago; That was the last time Adam had seen Blue, both quietly agreeing that it would've been a constant painful reminder of what they had lost, but they still texted and called each other at least once a month just to make sure they still remembered.   
Noah disappeared shortly after and Adam hoped he'd finally found peace.   
Ronan was a subject of his own, too difficult to be close to him yet too hurtful to be apart.   
He suddenly stopped walking. In front of his old friend's grave stood a tall built figure, buzzed hair and a familiar back. He would recognize him even in a million years: Ronan.  
He had a moment of hesitation, he was absolutely not ready to see him again, but his body moved faster than his thoughts, so in a matter of seconds he was near the other boy.   
It was impossible to find the right words to start a conversation, everything seemed so stupid and annoying. It was weird being there, but he missed Ronan so he just went for it.  
“Hey.” Bad idea. In half a second he saw a punch coming straight to his face.  
“What the actual fuck, Ronan.” He brought his hand to his nose, luckily enough there was no blood. “Was that really necessary, asshole.”  
“How fucking dare you? You come here after what, 8 months? You never texted me, not even once, when you were here. Blue told me. After three years you show up with a 'hey'?” Ronan was shouting yet still used that careful tone that he reserved to Adam only. And he listened.  
He had forgotten how scary Ronan could look when he was hurting, and right now he was.  
“I'm sorry, I know it's no use, but I am. Honestly I don't know what to tell you. I had to leave, to follow my future. I needed to try and move on.” He realized he had raised his voice too. “I still had no money, I still had to go to university, I still had to make something worth out of my useless self. What was I supposed to do?”   
“You were not supposed to forget about me or us. I needed you with me! Blue had her family, but all I had was you and you ran away. How could you do that to me? I loved you with every cell in my body and you put what we had in a locked down closet. Fuck you, Adam Parrish.”  
“That is the point. All we had was each other and it hurt too bad to think of us mourning for ever. I wanted us to heal. I loved you too, but I had to leave. For the both of us, but mostly for me.”  
“So did you heal? Because I did not. I knew you needed your space, hell everybody did, and I knew you had to live your future, cause you deserved it after all that you had to go through. But I waited for you in vain because I thought that together we could have found a way out of this mess. At least tell me that it helped you.”  
“It didn't. It still hurt like the first day but after awhile I got used to it and I thought it would have been too pathetic to come back here to you.” Adam was feeling ashamed, exposed, he looked down to his feet, avoiding Ronan's gaze, though he could still sense it on him.  
Unexpectedly, however, Ronan hugged him, and his scent kicked something in his mind. All those moments rushed back to his memory and once again he was helpless. They held each other tight as if their pain could erase everything that had gone wrong.   
“I would have waited for you for eons, Parrish. I miss you.”   
“I miss you too.” Adam pulled away from the hug but he still remained close to the other boy.   
Then they kissed like they were used to, because it didn't feel like years since the last time, just a few hours. It was amazing to touch Ronan's lips again. No one else had the power to make his heart jump the same way.  
Kissing him was exactly like coming back to Henrietta, it gave him the same bittersweet sensation, but this was home.   
While smiling, Ronan moved back and took Adam's head between his hands.  
“Let's keep it chaste, Parrish. We're on holy ground.”  
“We used to do much worse in my tiny apartment above a church. Besides, I think Gansey doesn't mind.”   
They laughed like they hadn't done in a long time and it felt good.   
Adam took Ronan's hand and, with a last goodbye to their friend, they made their way to the parking lot.   
They were leaning on Adam's car, kissing and touching to make up for the time they'd lost, until Ronan stepped back to laugh because he still couldn't believe this. It felt like a dream, but he knew that no dream could be this good.  
“So how's university? Did you find someone?”  
“It's hard, man. But I still think it's worth it and it keeps me so busy that sometimes I forget. There are some good people, but no one like us. Nobody could recreate what we had, with Gansey, Blue and Noah. Nobody compares to you, honestly. I still have to find someone who makes me feel so mad and so in love at the same exact moment. What about you?”  
“Life is shitty, as usual. But now Mom's back and Matthew's happy. Me and Declan almost manage to get through an entire conversation without kicking one another. I'm glad you're back. I mean- are you? Are you back?”  
“No. I still think I need to achieve everything I worked so hard for, only this time I'm not leaving you behind.” Both of their smiles grew wider and they lit up that cloudy day.  
“I'm sorry about the punch. It was fucking stupid and inconsiderate.”  
“So was letting you go.”

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy. I know this is maybe too sad and the characters are not very in character but I tried my best. I hope you enjoy it!  
> you can find me on tumblr at adamprr1sh.tumblr.com


End file.
